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The Power of a Positive No

Save the Deal. Save the Relationship—and Still Say No

William Ury

Note to Reader:

In this book, the author uses the term "the other" to refer to the other person or other side to whom the No must be said, and he will use it with the antecedent "they" to avoid having to say "he or she," or to choose one gender over the other. He also capitalizes the words "No" and "Yes" in order to highlight their importance and relationship.

Preface

All good Nos should be in the service of a higher Yes. (The author uses an interesting story about his newborn daughter—who had been born with serious problems in her spinal column—as an example of when he had to say "No" to disruptive behaviors by medical residents in the middle of the night. The No had to be "nice" because they were also looking after the medical condition of his child.)

Learn to pause before responding in order to make sure that Nos are not only powerful but respectful.

Appreciate that the main stumbling block is often not an inability to get to Yes but a prior inability to get to No.

The focus of getting to Yes is on both sides reaching an agreement. The focus of getting past No is on the other side, overcoming objections and resistance. The focus of Power of a Positive No is on YOUR side, on learning how to assert and defend your interests.

Introduction

At the heart of the difficulty in saying No is the tension between exercising your power and tending to your relationships. Exercising your power, while central to the act of saying No, may strain your relationship whereas tending to your relationship may weaken your power.

There are three common approaches to this Power versus Relationship dilemma (he refers to this as the "Three-A Trap"):

  1. Accommodate: We say Yes when we want to say No. All too often we go along to get along. Our Yes is actually a destructive Yes, for it undermines our deeper interests.
  2. Attack: We say No poorly.
  3. Avoid: We say nothing at all.

Martin Luther King Jr stated "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

A positive No, in short, is a Yes! (To decide); a No (your stance); and a Yes? (the accommodation).

If you can learn how to say No skillfully and wisely, you can create what you want, protect what you value, and change what doesn't work.

This book is organized in three parts:

  1. How to prepare a Positive No.
  2. How to deliver a Positive No.
  3. How to follow through.

Chapter 1: Uncover Your Yes

Anger can blind, fear can paralyze, and guilt can weaken.

The most effective way to deal with your negative emotions is not to act them out—it is to hear them out. (Consider the difference between "I am angry" and "I have a feeling of anger inside me.")

No is a position, a concrete stance, a statement of what you do not want. Interests, by contrast, are the wants, desires, aspirations, and concerns underlying the No.

Emotions have intelligence—they are the language used by your 'core needs' to signal that they are not being met.

Chapter 2: Empower Your No

The challenge to saying No is to express the "need"—the interest, desire, or concern—without the "neediness."

BATNA: Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement

Your Plan B is not an option or agreement at all but rather an alternative to agreement—a course of action you could pursue independent of the other's agreement.

Plan B is not so much power over the other as it is power to meet your own interests. That's what makes it Positive Power.

The hallmark of a free person is their right to make decisions for themselves and to take the consequences.

Chapter 3: Respect Your Way to Yes

Now that you have prepared yourself to say No, your next challenge is to prepare the other to say Yes to your No.

The problem with most Nos is that they intentionally or unintentionally reject the other. The other often takes our No as a personal rejection.

It is only human to feel embarrassed, hurt, excluded, or even humiliated when being told No about something that matters.

Respect does not mean liking the other personally—because you may not. It does not mean doing what the other wants—because you are about to do the opposite. What respect does mean is simply to give value to the other as a human being just as you would like others to give value to you.

Listen to understand, not to refute.

"I understand your problem. I've been there myself. And I cannot do what you are asking."

Think of yourself as, in effect, inviting the other into a constructive discussion, almost as if you were inviting them to a friendly sporting match.

Chapter 4: Express Your Yes

Delivering a Positive No is the crux of the process, requiring skill and tact. It begins with an affirmation (Yes!), proceeds to establish a limit (No), and ends with a proposal (Yes?).

Because the other can easily misinterpret your No and attribute false motives to you, your Yes is an opportunity for you to clarify your motives in saying No.

Be hard on the problem not the person.

Don't blame, don't shame, speak your truth openly, but don't do it with cruelty.

Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.

Chapter 5: Assert Your No

The essential action in asserting your No is very simple. You are setting a clear limit; drawing a clean line; creating a firm boundary.

Saying No is essential to life. Every living cell has a membrane that allows certain needed nutrients to pass through and repels others. To survive and thrive, every human being and every organization needs to be able to say No to anything that threatens their safety, dignity, and integrity.

No is the key word of order, structure, and discipline.

The great virtues of No are clarity and specificity. Just think of the difference between telling a child, "Please treat your classmates with respect" and saying, "No hitting!" "No" gets the point across simply and clearly.

No is the key word in defining your identity, your individuality, or, in organizational terms, your brand. If you cannot say No you do not have a brand, for your brand is defined by what you say No to.

The challenge to using "No" is to get it just right. How can you be assertive without being aggressive?

Imagine your No not as a wall but rather as a strong living boundary that protects what is important. Whereas a wall creates a visual barrier between the parties, a boundary allows the parties to see each other and stay connected—while still setting firm limits.

Linguistic philosophers distinguish between messages that describe a situation and those relative few messages that actually change the situation. They called the latter "performative speech acts" (e.g., "I do" is not just a description of how a couple are feeling. It is an action that transforms their social status from single to married).

One of the great arts in life is learning how to disagree without being disagreeable.

Precisely because No is such a powerful word, it needs to be used carefully, intentionally, and sparingly. Sometimes it is better to use other words to communicate the same message.

Chapter 6: Propose a Yes

Perhaps the most common mistake in saying No is to stop there and overlook the opportunity to propose a positive outcome. In response to the other's demand, we say what we won't do but don't say what we will do.

Saying No is an exercise in persuasion, not just communication.

To close the door and then re-open the same door can confuse your message and weaken your No. But to close one door and open a second door, as you keep the first closed, can actually clarify and strengthen your No.

Rather than working to frustrate the other, focus on redirecting their attention to a positive outcome.

Don't forget to ask for the action you want. In short, offer a positive behavioral solution to your problem. Behavior has the advantage of being observable.

Chapter 7: Stay True to Your Yes

Even though you have gotten to No, you may still be quite far from Yes. How will you deal with the other's reaction to your No and help them say Yes to your proposal?

You cannot influence the other's behavior unless you can first influence your own.

As Gandhi said, "An eye for an eye and we will all go blind."

Reacting puts the control in the hands of the other. Not reacting feeds power to you.

You can empathize (which means putting yourself in other's shoes) without sympathizing (which means sharing the pain with them). Empathy is a form of respect.

Paraphrasing—done in a sincere spirit—can serve three useful purposes:

  1. It lets that person know you are seeking to understand (a gesture of respect).
  2. It makes sure you really do understand what is being said.
  3. t allows you to go for the balcony for a few seconds and to think before you reply.

Acknowledge their point—without conceding yours. "I understand your point. It is a valid point. I happen to see the situation differently."

The normal prevailing mindset is Either-Or. Either you are right or the other is. This hidden assumption of Either-Or creates unnecessarily polarizing conflict that only diverts attention from your objective: persuading the other to respect your needs. To overcome this, adopt a Both-And mindset—the other has a point and so do you.

This shift may take the form of replacing the word "but" with "Yes ... and ..."

"But" is a verbal cue that they are about to be contradicted.

Chapter 8: Underscore Your No

The key purpose is to help the other learn that your No means No.

One key to sustaining your No—without sounding repetitive—is to craft a simple phrase, an anchor phrase, that you can use (e.g., "This doesn't work for me" or "I am not comfortable doing that.")

It is generally better to ask than to tell. People usually learn better and resist less if they learn for themselves.

Use reality-testing questions that cause the other to reflect on the underlying realities of the situation (e.g., "What will happen if we cannot reach agreement here?" or "Have you thought about how this will affect ...?" or "Are you willing to take personal responsibility for ...?") [He uses the Challenger spacecraft decision as an example.]

A warning is not the same as a threat (although they are often confused with each other).

A threat dictates to the other: "If you do not do what I want you to do, I will make you pay." The focus is on power and punishment.

A warning does not dictate but rather educates. It is an objective prediction of the inherent consequences.

Meet the other's resistance with persistence.

Chapter 9: Negotiate to Yes

Twenty-five hundred years ago, the Chinese strategist Sun Tzu counseled leaders to "Build a Golden Bridge for your opponent to retreat across."

Negotiation is not just about getting to Yes but about getting the right Yes.

While it would be good if the outcome was a win-win, that is not always possible. Given what you are asking the other to do, they may not see it as a win-win for them. The key is for them not to see it as a loss but rather as an agreement they can live with on an ongoing basis.

Your No can be a gift to the other as well. "Tell me Yes, tell me No, just tell me now."

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